I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
