I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
