Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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