Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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