I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
