she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
