I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
