if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
