You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
