we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
