I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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