when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
