the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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