The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
