I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
