I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
