sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
