my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he was CRYING into my vagina
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
