Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
