Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
