Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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