Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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