Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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