2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
