Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
