half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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