Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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