how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
