he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
