note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
