Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
