Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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