there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
