There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
