the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
