walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
