one two three fourrrrnication!
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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