I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
i now understand why vodka
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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