fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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