the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
