everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
