Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
