wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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