I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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