Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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