I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It's never too late to be topless.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
