I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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