I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
