You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
