Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
